Fly in the Ointment
by By Another Name
Summary: Originally written for an Iron Fic Challenge at the Teachers' Lounge Forum. My opponent was Wrexcar, and the prompt was "Dark Lord Hermione." I believe it's safe for work, but implications could be disturbing in places. One foot in crack!fic... I think.


_Disclaimer: The characters here and the world they inhabit are the creation and property of JK Rowling and her assigns._

Perhaps Hermione imagined that The Great One could see her there in the passageway, but it seemed as though he did see her and that his eyes gleamed. Although he glanced her way during the final battle in the great hall, she always counted that moment in the Shrieking Shack as the moment in which he passed his dominion to her.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Comfort the friends and sit with the dead and dying? Check. Fight the last battle? Check. Comfort more friends and dying people? Check after tedious check. Watch Harry use most miraculous of wands? Che-eck. It was so close. She told herself to be cool. A lot of research and list making had gone into her plans. It would be foolish to rush them, now. Harry's own wand fixed, he of course decided to give the best one back to a dead man. It would be the boringly noble move, after all.

Finally everything slowed down to quiet and people were finding beds in rooms safe enough to spend the night. Hermione and Ron wandered, hand in hand, until they found a small room somewhere on the fourth floor. It was a room for visiting professors or something; it didn't matter. As soon as the door latched, Ron pushed Hermione's hair out of her face and kissed her. She knew a pang of regret. His kisses were the best she had ever had, which made this moment that much more bittersweet. Yet it must be done; her carefully constructed list said it must. Adversaries and potential adversaries must be eliminated, without discussion or gloating.

It wasn't terribly difficult. It was just a matter of tracing the scar already left by the locket and saying the spell that would complete the illusion. She checked her watch: plenty of time to slip down to Dumbledore's grave before making her way to the Gryffindor Common room.

Waking up on a sofa the next morning, she found that her plan worked perfectly. Harry's tear streamed face was peering at her.

"Hermione, I'm so sorry."

She sat up, concern all over her face. "Harry, what's wrong?"

"It's Ron. You know how he seemed to be affected by the Horcrux more than us. They're saying it was a shadow effect. When Voldemort died, Ron faded too."

"What are you telling me?"

"Hermione, Ron is gone."

"From Hogwarts?"

Harry looked up for help from Ron's parents, who were also in the Common Room. Arthur swallowed hard. "He's dead, Hermione. Our Ron is dead."

IF IF IF IF IF

The next few years went swimmingly. Hermione needed to finish her education and get her N.E.W.T.s, after all, and it wouldn't do to move too fast. She had years to accomplish her goals, and her research showed many things she could do as groundwork while she waited. She was only in her teens when she started, she would remind herself. She got assigned to building inspections while Hogwarts was being rebuilt; she was very concerned about making sure the plumbing and ventilation was too small to crawl through. She was quickly put in charge of that department, and assured that she would probably be in charge of half the Ministry by the time she was thirty.

That was fine, at the moment she was far too busy re-designing the robes of her department, with the help of Lavender Brown. They had bonded over the death of poor Ron, and Hermione was careful to listen and consider all of her recommendations. Lavender had good ideas, and Hermione usually went with most of her suggestions. One thing she absolutely would not accept were hoods on the garments in her department, and Lavender smiled and agreed. No hiding of identities around Hermione, if you please, and unbeknownst to anyone who admitted it, her office door had a polyjuice-revealing charm.

FI FI FI FI FI

The next adversary on her list was tediously talkative. She couldn't wait to get him away so she could just get it done already. He'd been a huge disappointment, talking about stupid things like redemption and learning a new way to look at things. He talked so much that she couldn't believe it took him so long to realize what was happening. When he finally did, he was still far too talkative. "Why?" he asked, from where he was tied to a tree in the Forbidden Forrest with silken cords. "You have to tell me why, after all this time, you feel the need to do this now."

Tell him that he had insulted and hurt her in various ways all her life? Tell him that she was still furious because the hat refused to put her in Slytherin house? Piffle. It would only give him time to try to get out of his predicament.

"No," she said in answer to Draco's question, "I really don't have to give you a reason."

She'd taught herself to cast the killing curse silently and without her wand. In that amorphous state, it wasn't traceable. The spiders would do their work to clean up the mess soon, but she forced herself to watch. It wouldn't do to allow the possibility for him to come back in any way. Her research was clear on that point.

IF IF IF IF IF

Her friendship with the growing Teddy Lupin was the most complicated and nuanced one she had. Research showed that overly complicated plans could often be seen through by a five year old, and so he was her best source for testing her plans. He was also likely to tell Harry anything she discussed. Then she hit on the idea of using his toys to discuss her plans with him, and things went swimmingly. They had a regular play date, sprawled on the floor at Grimauld Place with building blocks and animated figures. It was Teddy who pointed out that it didn't matter how big the plumbing and vents were at Hogwarts because there were secret passages everywhere. It was also Teddy who suggested booby-trapping those same passages. He got a trip to Florean Fortescue's for that.

Teddy was probably Hermione's best friend in the whole world. Unfortunately, he was also just the sort to grow into one of those callow youths that question authority. She would probably have to eliminate him as he grew up. That made her sad, but her research was quite clear about it. She couldn't afford to be emotional when there was a plan to follow. And perhaps Teddy would simply grow up to be her head advisor. She wouldn't have to eliminate him unless he was too foolish.

FI FI FI FI FI

She worked slowly on Harry, but progress was made. He appreciated her visits with Teddy and often played with them. "Your games are so elaborate, as if you'd spent ages working them out," he would observe.

"Teddy seems to enjoy them," she answered. "He seems to get bored with less intricate schemes, so I punch them up a bit."

"I can't fault you for that," Harry would gaze at her, and she would reflect that the plan was going perfectly.

She also worked with Buckbeak from time to time, bringing him treats and even flying with him occasionally. Harry's gaze became even more warm. "Could you be any more perfect?" he asked.

"Only if I was you," she answered.

That sold him, and he told her of his love in reply. They decided to run away and get married. No reason to put it off when something might ruin her plans. Hermione was determined that it should be before the Amortentia wore off, although not before stopping at a pharmacy. It wouldn't do to have children. Children might grow up to fight against one, or fall in love with the enemy. No, it simply wouldn't do, and Hermione was too busy for children, anyway.

IF IF IF IF IF

The other reason to avoid children was that they wouldn't have their father long. It was inevitable that Harry would pass from lover to potential adversary pretty quickly, and the position for head at Hogwarts was coming available. It was time. The castle was secure, Lavender had already redesigned the student robes, (although she didn't know yet that her "what if" designs were all too real), and Hermione was ready to change to her own new brightly-colored wardrobe. She was ready to shed her boring, Ministry colored skin.

Such were her thoughts when Harry came home that night. She let him chat with her for a bit, but the clock was ticking. She tweaked the plan by allowing for one last kiss before he knew what was going to happen. It enabled her to take his wand.

"Hermione?" Harry gasped when he saw the Elder Wand. "How long have you had that?"

She bit back a desire to show him just how clever she was, although it cost her dearly. The research said no explanations, and Hermione knew it would be particularly important with Harry, who was so good at talking and figuring his way out of tight spots. There was no time to even say goodbye. She allowed herself a tear in her eye as she smiled sadly.

"Avada Kedavra!"

There was only seconds to smash a few things up, return Harry's wand to his own hand, and hide the Elder Wand. The tears were genuine and therefore all the more convincing as she told her story of a Death Eater who was known to still be in hiding. Her new Horcrux was her wedding ring; it would join the bracelet Ron gave her in the vault at Gringotts.

FI FI FI FI FI

Headmistress Granger looked over the grounds of Hogwarts from the top of the Astronomy Tower in the late August light. Everything was coming together as she had always hoped and planned. Another ten years would see her running the Ministry through the puppets she'd placed, people who didn't know they were puppets. There were things yet to be done. The House-elves weren't quite under her influence yet, and the goblins never would be. Yet by working slowly and quietly, she'd done so much and was days away from her thirtieth birthday. The small point in the research, buried under so many others, that said to keep quiet about ones overwhelming brilliance and greatness, was spot on. No one suspected a thing. She looked toward the last of the sunset and smiled. It was time for the tea that the House-elves were about to serve.

"Headmistress?" It was a voice she had loathed for years. She forced a smile on her face before turning to greet Madam Umbridge.

"Dolores, how delightful of you to stop in. I was just about to have some tea, as you see."

"I wanted to congratulate you."

"Thank you."

"But I also wanted to point out that you've skipped several items on the list."

"Pardon?"

Dolores made a show of looking through her pockets to pull out a long scroll. "Well, items 50 and 59 in particular, about the computers? How do you plan to do that? I see you haven't done anything with items 25 and 57 about machinery, either."

Hermione sat at the table and motioned Dolores to do the same. Then she caressed the half dozen tins that came. She pondered her prettiest tin. That would be terribly messy. She opened the second prettiest. In a stupefied state, it wouldn't be hard to explain a fall, and Dolores would love to be remembered in such company as Dumbledore. Hermione made a note to herself that something really ought to be done with railings for the tower. It was quite dangerous as it was.

The tea was ready, so she poured her guest's cup first. "It's really a work in progress, Dolores. There are still several things to work out..."

 _Author Note: Many of you will recognize the Evil Overlord List. For those who are not, it's available in many places online, including TV Tropes. Here's a link if it will work: /Main/EvilOverlordList (if it doesn't work, it's an easy google search)_

 _As noted in the summary, this story was originally published under The Chairman profile as part of the ongoing Iron Fic Challenge. I did, in fact, actually write this but the fic was originally posted there for anonymous judging purposes. Please don't accuse either profile of plagiarism; for all intents and purposes we're the same person in this case. Please also go read the other story under the profile Wrexcar. It's fantastic and there were things he found in the writing prompt (Dark Lord Hermione) I did not. Oddly enough, we both thought of the Evil Overlord List with different takes upon it. I think his Hermione is more outright evil, while mine is more calculating. You will thank yourself profusely for reading any of his stuff. I highly recommend doing so. Make sure you give him some review-love._

 _Thank you for reading! Please mash the button and give me a little love, too. I always respond._


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